


Wanted: A Partner in Idiocy and Crime PT 1

by flowersbyaudios



Series: Wanted: A Partner in Idiocy and Crime [1]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: F/M, Strangers to Lovers, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:02:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29942136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersbyaudios/pseuds/flowersbyaudios
Summary: Premise: You answer an ad in an online forum because you think it’s a joke. There’s no way someone faked a relationship for a year and now their family wants to pay for counseling to see if the relationship can be fixed. There’s money in it for you, and on the first session, it goes wildly out of hand. Wild accusations and statements. You’re doing your best to show that the relationship cannot be saved. You guys start planning out things ahead of the next two sessions. Suddenly you're both getting along...it can’t happen...right? This wasn’t supposed to happen, you can’t possibly be kissing right? A make out session in the car? A quickie in the bathroom before a session? A date planning out the next session blow out that leads to drinking and laughing and fucking all night? Nope. It’s just two idiots, no way can you both turn into lovers.
Series: Wanted: A Partner in Idiocy and Crime [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2202066
Kudos: 2





	Wanted: A Partner in Idiocy and Crime PT 1

**Author's Note:**

> [f4m] [idiots to lovers] [sfx] [optional] [thigh riding] [kissing] [fake relationship] [pet names]  
> This is my first script! Hope you enjoy.

Wanted: A Partner in Crime and Idiocy

[Suggested background noise]

PART ONE:

You (on the phone):  
[rustling paper noises] “This can’t be real right? I mean they paid me half the money as stated…but like this can’t be real right? Who fakes a relationship this hard?.... [computer noises] Fake dates are normal in my opinion laughter.. I took the job…..I’m just gonna use that money to upgrade my graphics card… I can do this…. Please I know I am an idiot… but now I have a partner in it…. I’ve got an hour to get ready for this… I mean I can pretend to be a horrible girlfriend. Every ex i’ve had has said i am that has to count for something, right?”

[clothes rustling, traffic noises, footsteps, elevator noises, soft office noises, a door opens and closes]

You  
[clothes rustling and knuckles cracking, something to indicate nervous energy] :  
“Um….his family suggested this, they’re rather invested in us it seems..[ease to soft music to indicate therapist]....yes thank you for being so welcoming… [soft music stops when speaking to listener] … I said I’d keep an open mind didn’t I? I agreed to come here didn’t I?......Right so I’m the problem? I want to go out! I want to do things on my own and that’s a problem?...... No! We keep having the same argument! I’m tired, love, I really am. Whilst I adore your family, they just don’t understand what’s been going on, what we’ve been lacking… [ease to soft music to indicate therapist]... Huh? Uh… the pet name? Oh...uh...since what feels like the beginning of our relationship? I’ve always called him love…. … uh...yeah i guess that makes sense, if the pet name is still there the affection could be too I suppose….....Ah a date right now? Yeah we could do that, if you think it's a good idea.... [stop music]... Hey, don’t be such a dick to them, they’re doing their job, and if they suggest we do this, we will. Your family paid for what five sessions? We are doing this… .[ease to soft music to indicate therapist]... Thank you so much for your help. We’ll do that and see you next time.

[elevator doors/dings, footsteps, cafe sounds, chairs sliding, sips being heard, coffee making sounds]

You (blowing on coffee, taking a small sip) :  
“You’ve got to work on this love…...I mean clearly I’ve got better acting skills than you, how the fuck did you convince your family you were dating someone for this long?...aht aht aht, no attitude I get that your paying me but dude, seriously if your family finds out that they dropped cash on a fake relationship they’ll gut you, just saying... well if you were dating someone and not being a weirdo recluse artist, what would you call them?....babe works just fine, if that's what you want to use...[you laugh] you’re mad at me because I’m the one trying to break it off remember? You wouldn’t call me baby girl.....alright point taken, throw it in there every once in a while. Eventually my need for, I dunno, independence will make an appearance, I’ll call this all a mistake and say I should have always walked away, sound good? .. there is another thing… you’re way too stiff love… I mean you sit like we’ve never even held hands before ..cmere .. .Dude, chill ...see it’s not that bad, my hand is tiny compared to yours though… nice, there you go now you've got something to wax poetic about next session … ok one more thing...alright, kiss me like you would if you were trying to win someone back ….i’m serious!.. because that therapist is smart and they will know if you’re faking it… put some passion into this…. think of it as art you fucke- [kissing, heavy breathing, small whimper, maybe rustling like hair being pushed out of the way]...wow...more kissing….ok..uh...that’s good, really good, um I should go? See you there in three days….[door opening, busy city noises happening, footsteps] Fuck.

[music playing, fading in and out, slowly fades into next sound]  
[footsteps being heard, elevator dings]

You:  
“Gasp...oh hey... ah yes I was running a little late ...um…. no no I haven’t been avoiding you, I’m here aren’t I?... What? I know it was just a kiss, don’t be a dick.. .I can say whatever the hell I want you're not the boss of me..[elevator dings] what are you doing? Where are you dragging me to?...I think I have the right to ask....a closet?...dude what is your deal?....I’m acting weird? I am not. I’m just ya know trying to keep it casual...Oh fuck you, the kiss was good but it wasn’t mind melting or whatever….look I’m sorry that I’m acting weird, maybe the situation finally hit me ...Of course I can still do this ...please you could kiss me and it wouldn’t affect me anymore. [Kissing, moans, whimpers, rustling of clothes, you can hear maybe buckets being pushed around, things falling off the shelves]...fuck..ah...your pulling my hair...why-oh god don’t… ah.. don’t leave a mark...how would we explain it?....ah...fuck...yeah? Ok….I can ride your thigh a little...it feels so good… please...fuck… ahhhh…mmm… mmmhmmm… so good… please… fuck.. this is crazy right?...ahhh...mmm.. Please...fuck...we’re gonna be late … fuck …. ahh… so close… please… fuck… this is crazy… we’re crazy.. Ahh.. don’t bite so hard… fuck… fuck fuck fuck [noises to indicate you’ve cum]….oh god….heavy breathing… how are we gonna go in there like this?...what are you looking at? ....what? ....oh god how bad is the mark?.... Well I bruise worse than a peach! ....yes i know we have to play this off… look we can just say that the sex part was always easy...shut up and don’t call me easy dick [shoes scuffing, door open, soft footsteps, quiet office noises, door opening and closing] “Hey doc..[ease to soft music to indicate therapist]... uhh yeah we did, we talked. It was nice...[stop music]...it was nice, I said it was nice love….see this is my issue, I say something and he pushes buttons and tries to dig in deeper to something that’s not even there…. Don’t give me that love, I’m right. I had a great time. We talked and we drank coffee, it’s simple yes, but I’m not extravagant. I don’t need fancy or outlandish. Simple works for me, always has…[ease to soft music to indicate therapist]… huh? Ooohhh …. Well, uh, see that’s what I thought he wanted, clearly we aren’t communicating [stop music]…. Again I said we, once again listening skills, love. Learn them…. What do I like about him? Um, he’s passionate, the care he pours into his art is phenomenal, he loves his family, and he doesn’t drink milk and claim it’s coffee, he does this protective thing with doors, it’s like he doesn’t want me to get hurt, he also does a lot of silent charity, oh and um, when he kisses me he holds my face like I’m gonna run...[ease to soft music to indicate therapist] ...oh it’s his turn? [stop music] oh….mmm……...ah….laughter… mmmm…..uh huh…..hmmm… ….ah...giggle…..mmm...[ease to soft music to indicate therapist]... huh? Oh progress….right...right..that’s a good thing right? [ease to soft music to indicate therapist]...ah another date?.........at night?.....wait, um...oh...ok...yeah we can log it. Ah yes...we can go now, plan it huh? Decide what the other wears? Alright. We can do this.

[door opening/closing, elevator noises, foot steps]

You:  
Ok...we have to figure out how to mm-...kissing sounds...fuck….ahh...what are you doing? ...smart ass I know you're kissing me....what? Please I could make it through a date with you and not break... I could, you on the other hand….I mean can you just imagine me in a dress? Hand sliding up my bare skin, you really think you could handle it?.....oh really?.....You're on, we go on this date and see who breaks first.

[fading footsteps]


End file.
